If you're reading this, you are probably wondering why I have named my blog "I'm Not Pregnant, I'm Just Fat" - or if you're a big girl like me you probably already know why! It's simple, and it's my number one reason why I HATE being fat - people constantly ask me when my baby is due or how far along I am, even when I'm not pregnant. I am one of those apple shaped girls that gains all my weight in my mid-section and constantly look pregnant. It's miserable and I hate it! It's also completely embarrassing for people to ask me when I'm due when I'm not pregnant at all. And when I was pregnant, people were even ruder and told me how HUGE I was and how there was no way I could possibly only be having one baby. It's frustrating and I can never think of the perfect comeback.
Another thing I hate about being fat is skinny people. Not all skinny people though, just the ones that constantly say how fat they are. It's like "Okay, if you are 10 pounds overweight and you are soooooo fat and I'm 100 pounds overweight, wow, I'm a fucking cow!" Yeah, it's annoying. I know what it's like to be slender and athletic as I was in high school, I know what it's like to be 160 pounds and wear a size 14 and feel amazing in my own skin because I'm proportioned well and enjoy my curves, and now I know what it's like to feel fat. So, little miss size 0-size 8, you might "feel" fat, but you're far from it. So shut up please!
What else do I hate about being fat? Eating in front of people. I feel like everything I put in my mouth is scrutinized by others. While most people probably don't pay attention or care what I am eating, I feel like anyone around me when I eat is thinking "All this big girl needs is a salad!" Well, I probably do just need a salad, but that doesn't mean that's what I want!! LOL
I hate stairs. No explanation needed!
I hate being hot! And not sexy good looking hot, I mean overheating, stripped down clothes wearing, AC on in the wintertime, sleeping with two fans pointing at me HOT. All the time! I know it's because I'm heavy, and because of the foods I eat. The funny thing is when I was working out before, I stopped having all the hot flashes and started feeling cold sometimes! It was a strange feeling, but it made me feel normal if that makes sense!
I hate not having any confidence. I used to be a pretty confident person. I used to go to a job interview and feel comfortable in my abilities. I would walk with my head held high. Now, I feel like people look at me and all they see is a fat person. If I apply for a job and a normal weight person with the same credentials is to apply for a job, I feel like they would be hired over me. I have hardly any confidence when it comes to school either. You would think an Honors student with a 4.0 GPA would have some confidence in their abilities, but I don't. Every time I submit an assignment I just *know* I'm going to get a bad grade. I want to feel good about the way I write and the school work I submit.
Nothing fits!!! I am so sick of wearing maternity clothes. For real. I want to wear a pair of jeans and a shirt without my stomach coming out of the bottom of my shirt.
I hate that I don't ever want to take care of myself. I hardly ever shave my legs anymore (poor Chad!), I will go days without brushing my teeth, and sometimes I only take one shower a week. Some might say this is postpartum depression, but I don't think so. I have happy times and I have sad times. But for the most part I figure what's the point in taking a shower? I can't wash the fat away. I'm still a fat person, whether I'm dirty or clean. I used to practice excellent oral hygiene and care about my teeth. Now I really don't care. I don't think my smile is pretty anymore because my face is so fat. It's awful! I look at pictures of myself from a few years ago and I used to smile and be happy, but now I just look ridiculous when I smile. I hate my huge double chin. Ugh, it's awful!
I hate my friends and family seeing me fat. Especially when I find old friends and family members on Facebook and they see my pictures. I wonder if they think or say "Wow, she really let herself go."
I hate my husband seeing me fat. And I hate that I never feel like being affectionate anymore. When we got married, we were affectionate all the time. As soon as I gained weight, the affection stopped. Not because he doesn't want to hug and kiss and touch me, but because I don't want him to hug and kiss and touch me. I feel like he doesn't like what he sees or feels. I feel like he will touch my stomach and think of how huge I am. I feel like he will see my stretch marks and think they are disgusting. I feel like he's lying when he tells me I'm beautiful.
Okay - having said all of these things, I'm seriously not all miserable and weepy and hating my life. Overall, I have a great life! My husband adores me, all 221 pounds of me! He is really supportive of my fitness and nutrition goals and has even started to journal all of the food he eats, count his calories, and do the workouts with me! My adorable sons are the light of my life. Austin is just the sweetest, most polite and well behaved kid I know! Every day he has me laughing over doing funny and crazy stuff - plus he's my Zumba buddy! Oh yeah, he will dance right along with me! Ethan is the easiest baby I've ever known. He smiles all the time, eats like a champ, and sleeps well at night so I can get my rest. He has such a sweet disposition and I just couldn't be luckier! I also am so lucky that I have the opportunity to go to school and stay home with my kids. School is a challenge, but in 2 years I will graduate (with Honors if I keep it up like I'm doing now!) and have my Bachelors degree in Health Care Administration and hopefully find a great career with job security and a paycheck that will allow me to save for Austin and Ethan's college - although I'm hoping they will get athletic or academic scholarships to college, be excellent in sports, and join the NFL or NBA!
Alright, well I guess I need to end this now. I need to get some rest so I can get up early and do my workout tomorrow. Thanks to all who are reading this. I can really stay motivated knowing people are reading this and encouraging me to stay at it.
No comments:
Post a Comment